Here I am again. You know, I always thought that I'd be a regular writer and all, but I seem to get back to this little white canvas of mine only when something really substantial triggers that emotional part in my head. I often wonder why I put all my feelings in the form of words, especially when most of the times I can't really explain everything that I want to say and there's forever this question of whether anyone's even reading what I write. That's when I realised that writing to me is like therapy. I require to write more than to be read. I need my standard dose of it to remain sane.
A few hours back I was sitting and contemplating about certain things in life. About why I was feeling the way I did about those things. And even worse, cursing the living daylights out of myself for being one of those people who can't overcome the past that easily. Thinking about things troubling me now and how helpless they make me feel sometimes that I need to actually cry to get all the frustration out of me. Wondering how some people can be so fake and double-sided that you start doubting your ability to judge people altogether. For something to hurt so much that you eventually get immune to it.
Yes, there generally is a reason to every rational outburst, be it of pain, anger or futility. And mine has one too. There are so many incidents that you come across everyday, those so called 'signs' that tell you what's right and what's wrong. Well I experienced one of those kind today and boy did it get me thinking! Like I said before I really hate myself for being one of those 'sensitive-emotional-mushy' people. I mean really, what's the point? People just walk all over you. Just like that.
For starters, I don't need to go out of my way to talk to people I really don't want to talk to. I don't have to show that I respect certain people when I don't, especially friends. Friendship is not the license to screw someone's life so badly that it forever lasts in their book of 'bad memories'. One person's 'confusion' and juvenile attitude cannot and should not keep two other people from being together. No one has the right to steal someone's happiness away just because they don't know what they want.
I'm more mature today than I was 3 years ago, and I can't believe I let myself go through whatever I did in the past few years just because of close friendships and just because I was the nice one with all the patience in the world. I'm done with kidding myself about things that I shouldn't have. I'm done with being okay with things I'm not really okay with. I guess at 20, I've realised what I want, and who I am. At 20, I have realised me.
