Realising me...

Here I am again. You know, I always thought that I'd be a regular writer and all, but I seem to get back to this little white canvas of mine only when something really substantial triggers that emotional part in my head. I often wonder why I put all my feelings in the form of words, especially when most of the times I can't really explain everything that I want to say and there's forever this question of whether anyone's even reading what I write. That's when I realised that writing to me is like therapy. I require to write more than to be read. I need my standard dose of it to remain sane.

A few hours back I was sitting and contemplating about certain things in life. About why I was feeling the way I did about those things. And even worse, cursing the living daylights out of myself for being one of those people who can't overcome the past that easily. Thinking about things troubling me now and how helpless they make me feel sometimes that I need to actually cry to get all the frustration out of me. Wondering how some people can be so fake and double-sided that you start doubting your ability to judge people altogether. For something to hurt so much that you eventually get immune to it.

Yes, there generally is a reason to every rational outburst, be it of pain, anger or futility. And mine has one too. There are so many incidents that you come across everyday, those so called 'signs' that tell you what's right and what's wrong. Well I experienced one of those kind today and boy did it get me thinking! Like I said before I really hate myself for being one of those 'sensitive-emotional-mushy' people. I mean really, what's the point? People just walk all over you. Just like that.

For starters, I don't need to go out of my way to talk to people I really don't want to talk to. I don't have to show that I respect certain people when I don't, especially friends. Friendship is not the license to screw someone's life so badly that it forever lasts in their book of 'bad memories'. One person's 'confusion' and juvenile attitude cannot and should not keep two other people from being together. No one has the right to steal someone's happiness away just because they don't know what they want.

I'm more mature today than I was 3 years ago, and I can't believe I let myself go through whatever I did in the past few years just because of close friendships and just because I was the nice one with all the patience in the world. I'm done with kidding myself about things that I shouldn't have. I'm done with being okay with things I'm not really okay with. I guess at 20, I've realised what I want, and who I am. At 20, I have realised me.

Once upon a time...

(Disclaimer: This blogpost does not refer to anyone in particular. Thus kindly read and treat it as it is meant to be-a hypothetical situation. Thank you.)

I remember back in school we had this concept of "best friends"... Remember where everyone had this one friend who would be more special than the others... Where you two shared everything... Well almost everything... The secrets, the laughing, the homework, the classes and oh yes.. the fights! But that world was so fairy tale-like, where you fought one second and made up the next. Nothing else counted, all that mattered was that your friend was right beside you. Irrespective of all the ups and downs you two shared with each other, against the big bad world you two were like inseparable... That was then...

I often find myself pondering over various aspects of friendship at this stage of life... Is the previously prevalent innocence tucked under somewhere never to be found again... Do they only come to you when they need you... Will they truly stand by you when you need them the most down years into your friendship... Will they actually tell you what's wrong if there is a problem or just tell someone else how unruly you were being instead... Are you answerable to each other when the dimensions of your relationship change or then maybe the entire essence in itself is lost... Is it justified to feel hurt when a third person eventually comes into the picture and completely changes the relationship you had with a person...

It's true that the past must not be continuously mulled over, especially the so-called "bad" things or events or people that have happened to you in the past, but in the zest of living in the present is it that easy to forget the kind of friendship that you once shared, is it that convenient to cut-off from friends, is it possible to give up on friendships and most importantly compromise on emotions... Where are the moments of utter fun and madness spent together? Where are the experiences where you have always been there for each other to wipe the tears? Where are the late night-early morning conversations that included everything right from gossip to philosophical talks? Where are the times when you've been dead tired and always listened to what your friend had to say not just becuase it made sense to you but because it was important to her? Where are the times when you've done something for your friend not because you wanted to, but because she needed someone and would not settle for anyone else but you? Where are the lawns full of green grass? Where are those sun-rises and sun-sets? Where are all the chocolates and letters? What is it when along with places, persons change? Then where do all the memories go?

Yes, we are not in school. We cannot hold onto our relationships long after they cease to exist. We cannot go on kidding ourselves. Like one of my contemporaries said today, "I think the first stage in any process is acceptance". Though he spoke about it in a different context altogether, I could not find a better application to it in my life at the moment. So acceptance it is. It is difficult, very infact. To move on not just in relationships, but friendships. To muster up the courage to let go... To have the strength to realise that maybe your role has changed... To get used to the fact that maybe you are no more that one person whom she would always turn to no matter what... To accept the reality that the belongingness that was once there may never come back... To try and not be that hurt so one can forgive and forget... To face the fact that the same friend today finds comfort in someone else's company, has someone else that lightens up her day, has someone else to depend upon at every point in time, has someone else to make her laugh till her jaws ache, has someone else to share all her secrets and dreams with, has someone else that always brings a smile to her face and has someone else to truly call a friend.

Changed-Maybe I have. Maybe things around me have. Maybe people around me have. I'm not sure what the reasons could be. Emotions can never be calculated really. I don't know what it is going to be like ahead. But I know what it is at the moment; I definitely know what it was at point of time. And I miss some of it. I really do.

In a fickle-minded state it is quite simple to point fingers. After all this though, there probably is no one to blame. Who does one hold responsible when each relationship wants to chose its own path. When in its conquest to look for a new element, one unconsciously leaves behind the old instead of carrying it along... No one. And eventually you find yourself saying... Once upon a time...

I think... (Part II)

• That it really is very amusing how successful investments show through shining diamond rings and latest cars.
• Every relationship must do a 'take 2'. No less, no more.
• The thought of Post Graduation and Jobs can be more mentally exhausting than deciding how to fit both, the chic dress and that gorgeous pair of stilletos, in your budget. ;-)
• Candles can calm better than the colour green or blue for that matter.
• Relationships could mean compromise in certain areas, sometimes. But compromise is not all that bad.
• Animation is fun. Only when you get it right though. Otherwise fun turns into frustration!
• Chat tastes yummy only on the street-sides.
• My money issues are getting graver with each passing day.. :-(
• I'm in love with bling! :-)
• I should follow my gut instincts and do what I feel is right. Afterall opportunities don't knock at your door everyday right?

Et comme je l'ai essayer ...

Bonjour les gens..
Le français étant un préféré j'ai cru que j'écrirais mon poste de blog suivant dans la langue.. J'ai envie de rire et crier en même temps.. Je manque à la maison.. Je sais que je manquerai cet endroit (Manipal) quand tout est fini.. Il y a trop en une fois.. Chaque jour me laisse égoutté dehors.. Je perds un très bon ami.. Et je ne sais pas qui est responsable.. Les gens qui m'ont fait rire sont partis.. Il y a des choses de quantité astronomique parcourant ma tête.. Et ils luttent pour la préférence, pour la compréhension, pour l'amour, pour l'amitié, pour les souvenirs.. Des moments certains trouvent une façon de renvoyer le passé dans ma vie.. Et il fait mal à .. très mal.. Le soleil semble avoir arrêté de me crier.. L'innocence est morte.. Le sourire s'est éteint.. Les fleurs se sont flétries.. La paix a disparu.. Les rêves doux semblent avoir évité du sommeil.. Les lumières ont baissé et une chandelle d'espoir vacille aussi .. Je dois m'habituer pour changer.. Je dois guérir.. Et j'attends..

Again

If when you wake up in the morning,
And the hurting is so great,
You don't want to get out of bed,
And face a world of hate.

If everything in life goes wrong,
And nothing you do seems right,
You just try a little harder,
And soon you'll see the light.

For every person who has put you down,
And filled your life with pain,
You must strive to achieve greatness,
And show them you can win.

For every disappointment,
For the times you are let down,
There will be a better moment,
And your life will turn around.

Because everyone feels heartache,
And everyone feels pain,
But only those who have courage,
Can get up and try again.

At peace with myself.

The last month has been quite a ride. It feels like I have experienced a wide spectrum of emotions in just a matter of days. Maybe I have.

I've been slogging over presentations, assignments and tests. I've been running around everywhere trying to get things done. I've been making new friendships, breaking some. I've been hoping to chose between a post-graduate degree and a job. And most of all, I've been getting high on life.

Somewhere inside me I felt a conflict. Like it was me against myself. I don't know whether to blame it on the fact that my attitude towards things was changing, or that I was finding a balance in relationships. Oh I'm still very much the same, but yet somewhere I see myself change.

My friends have often warned me of being transparent. My reactions to most situations today have become just a silent tear. I am looking for my lost self somewhere; where, I'm not too sure. Or maybe I'm just at the onset of a self-rediscovery.

I have found answers, yes that's true. Finally, it's not just a case of only questions. Some make me happy and some sad. And to a certain extent that has helped me know myself better or what I want from people and things.

I love my work. And I love the people close to me. They are after all the supportive force that keep me going. I have learnt the art of tackling the various roles of my personality and am managing to live upto each one of them.

This concept of duality (my being a Gemini does not count in here), if I may call it so, frequently baffles me. In each moment I smile, struggle, ask, appeal, nullify, negotiate, rant, retaliate. But then again, in each moment, I am at peace with myself.

Life moves on... And with it, so do I.

Ignorance is bliss...

So I thought, untill now..

It's been long since I've written.. The reason being I was doing a lot of reading.. Everyone's blogs especially.. You've had a tiring day and just want to de-stress online, read quality stuff with meaning to it.. So you try and catch up on what people have to say.. But what do you get.. Hate blog posts.. It's a new trend I guess.. I'm really tempted to try it out..

I guess my silence in some situations is often taken to be my weakness.. I was brought up in a manner which taught me to be nice to people.. But some 'intellectuals' around me don't seem to function that way.. I think it's time they're told that two can play at the same game..

Isn' it surprising how people talk about others so carelessly and sometimes fail to realise that they themselves are like that.. Especially in Manipal.. I mean.. I know certain people who write about being relieved and happy that they do not have to live in a world of pretence friendship any more and then talk about how they have lost friends in 'social gatherings' as some term it on the other hand.. (And they call others fake!).. I really wonder how these people will ever maintain relationships with anyone at all in their entire lifetime.. Such people tend to garner so much hatred from those around them that they would probably keep swinging between people and relationships all their lives for namesake, and not truly belong to anyone.. Sad, really sad.

Some people talk about how others don't have an identity of their own and are recognised by people they are associated with.. It's kind of true you know.. I know of some people like that.. Some who are known just cause of their excessively workaholic boyfriends, but believe that they are probably God's gift to mankind themselves.. Who are capable of outrightly lying but making it sound so innocent (I'm really amazed at how information supposedly taken for a personal blog can turn up being a news story the next day! :P).. Oooooffff.. What to do? I just can't understand these breed of people.. And maybe at this point I should even stop trying..

Let the dogs, or rather the bitches go on barking, let them continue venting out their frustration through their immature rants (I thought that blogs could really be used for so many more productive things really.. Nevermind..)

P.S.: Thought I'd write a longer blog post as usual, but just realised mid-way that why am I stooping down to such a low level.. Let them blabber and blabber to their hearts' content.. Maybe when they stop and take notice that no one's really bothered about them(Work relationships are the only kind known to them after all), will they cease to over exercise that gab of theirs and stick to minding their own business.. ;)

Have a great day people!! Muah!!! :)